February 20, 2014
We have one rule in my car…well, actually, we have several, but the most important rule is that when Mom is belting it out to “Edge of Seventeen” you’d better not complain. One squeak out of you while I’m sustaining the OOH-WAAAAAAAAHHH! and I’ll restart the song and crank it up to 11.
Most of the people in my house are now taller than I am. Most of the feet are bigger than mine. Most of the voices are deeper, and most (but not all) of the upper lips are hairier. Sometimes, a woman needs to escape from the testosterone cloud her spouse and sons emit. Sometimes a gal needs to escape…into song.
Which is why last week, I asked friends and family on Facebook for a little help: What songs (besides “Son of a Preacher Man”) were guaranteed to embarrass the heck out of my teenage sons? What is the absolutely most awful playlist I could construct for the many hours I drive the mom-shuttle to and from all of their eighty-bajillion activities?
And heavens to Murgatroyd did my loved ones (and several friendly strangers) pay out. That post got 71 comments, and frankly, I’m just not that popular. Over on twitter? Boy howdy, those folks are EEE-vil!
Entire artists’ catalogs were named: Barry Manilow. The BeeGees. GaGa. Abba. Even now, four decades later, the 70s are still the most embarrassing point in musical history.
But oh, the specific songs! Because you don’t want to be here all day, I will simply list the top 10 by virtue of multiple mentions and/or “likes” from others playing on the threads:
1. “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves” by Cher
2. “She-Bop” by Cyndi Lauper
3. “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred
4. “Muskrat Love” by Captain and Tennille (and I heard they just broke up. True? Anyone?)
5. “I’m Sexy and I Know It” by LMFAO
6. “I Am Woman” by Helen Reddy
7. Rupert Holmes’s “Escape” (a.k.a. “The Pina Colada Song”)
8. The theme song from Barney
9. “MacArthur Park” (any version, though love to Shatner)
10. “Do You Wanna Touch Me” by Joan Jett
and because I DO crank it up to 11, I add my personal favorite: “I’ve Never Been to Me” by Charlene.
I road-tested one song tonight that didn’t make the top ten, but shoulda: “Stacy’s Mom” from Fountains of Wayne (Thank you Jeanne!)
My 15-year old was most displeased by this song. He called it “sick and twisted.” Mission accomplished!
So what did we miss? What song do you keep in your Teen Torture Toolkit ™?